Welcome October!

There is a song from Greenday where the lyrics go "Wake my up, when September end." Until recently I would think to myself they really need to choose another month because I love September! Sadly, September of 2009 was not one of those Septembers. Looking back I found myself in Auto Pilot for much of the month. I remember my breakdowns and I remember family Moments before my Grandmother passed and afterwards, but regular day to day moments are a big blur. I was looking at my billing for work today and was surprised to see how much work I put in even though I was done for a week and a half. I found myself thinking "When did I get all this work done?" Then I realized that it was all done in autopilot.

I am a Social Worker. In school I learned all about the grieving process. There were even 2 questions about it on my licensing exam. But this is the first time in my adult life where the death of a loved one has slapped me in the face the way it has. I find myself somewhat estranged from many of my co-workers, a few that I used to feel close to I no longer feel that way anymore. I like to go in early or work from home more and more these days so I do not have to be in the office. Granted, I have no issues going out and seeing my clients; it's just the day to day interactions with my co-workers and boss that seem to shake me up. I already feel uneasy as it is with a lot of them because the after work activities consist of going out and drinking. I do drink from time to time but the bar is not my scene. Sometimes the situation with my co-workers makes me feel like I am back in High School. I am hoping this will go away with time.

Next week I am going to my Mother's house where she will have my horse quilt and dolls my Grandmother made for me when I was a child as well as the poodle skirt she made for my Halloween Costume. In sixth grade I played a munchkin in the school play and she made my costume, complete with the munchkin shoes. I am hoping to get a Hope Chest for Christmas where I can store these items that are so close to my heart along with other cherished items like the jewelery I wore on my wedding day, my veil and other things.

I am trying not to get angry at myself for having moments of sadness, discontent and anger that are more easily triggered. Some examples of this would be watching the Wonder Years (on You Tube) and bawling my eyes out when there is a scene where a character close to Kevin passes away. A friend of mine (who has never experienced infertility) posted a blog from someone who experienced it but then adopted and had a successful story. I became angry with my friend and almost said something because not only has she not experienced this first hand, but I feel she also discredits that adoption is not for every couple. Yesterday at work I had to deal with a crisis situation after getting a call from a client who was involved in a family dispute. After a call to the police and adult protection I was so shaken the only thing I could do was go home and finish my case notes there,


I am looking forward to the baby steps coming up (including going to the support group next week) of getting back into the social swing of things. I am trying to go slow right now as to not overwhelm myself. This wknd I am going to my first scrapbooking crop since February where the women are NOT mommies and I do not have to deal with the Mommy and Me talk. Next Wednesday I am going to my volunteer orientation at Hope lodge which is a facility (of many locations one being in Minneapolis) where cancer patients and their families can stay in private suites while also provide a wide variety of cancer programs and services that provide information, resources and support to ease the cancer journey. Next weekend my friend Sara and I are also going to the Apple Orchard so that should be fun. Yesterday I bought my first batch of Honey crisps and have been eating them with Carmel dip. Tasty!


Have a good week everyone. Thank you for all the support.

-Jackie