Feelings of Inadequacy...

Lately I have been thinking about 2008 and 2009. At the end of 2008 I was just ready for the year to be over (like many people I knew). I have not felt the same way in 2009 though looking back this year has had it's share of struggles (my husband not being able to find steady work, the drama we had at our last apartment the first half of the year and of course losing my Grandmother to Cancer). When I look back on both years I found myself thinking "Why is it so painful to look back on 2008 when 2009 had it's fair share of struggles?"

After hearing a Message at our Church (Eaglebrook), I figured it out. In 2008 I shut down and surrendered to feelings of inadequacy......I threw myself into Caretaking for others and shut myself off from the world, even in the areas I was doing well in (an example of this is work). In 2008 I played the internal tapes in my head of "you are not a good person, that's why you don't have a lot of friends", "your husband is struggling because you have not done enough to be a good wife.", "your co-workers do not like you and that's why they wrote some negative comments on your 6 month review." After a year of this all I wanted to do was hide under the covers and isolate. I would look at other people's lives, decide they were perfect (when there is no such thing) and continue the negative self talk. Not healthy at all.....

This year I have really learned a lot about getting through tough times and taking care of myself. I have learned how to better nurture the friendships I have that are working and to get rid of the unhealthy ones. My marriage has improved as well as our level of communication with each other. It was heartbreaking but one thing she taught me was to seize the day and don't take the relationships in my life for Granted. Because of this I have been more open to forgiving people and sorting through hurts instead of just stuffing them down inside. While I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy I take the time to figure out where these feelings are coming from and whether or not the issue is something I need to change or just an area in life where I need to refocus my thoughts on the positive things. Are these things in life I don't have that I still want? Of Course, but I also need to give myself credit for the things I have accomplished in my life or this year for example (finishing a year long new things challenge, starting to Volunteer at Hope Lodge, drastically reducing my caffeine intake).

What will 2010 bring? I have no idea. Would I love it to have less drama in it? Of Course. But I also want it to be a year where I can continue to enjoy the little things, to take a few chances and to be able to not compare myself to others/beat myself up. My theme song is the song "How you live" by Point of Grace. I think the Chorus of the song best sums up what I want for my life.

Turn up the music, turn it up loud
Take a few chances, let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it, looking back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew, and it's not what you did it's
how you live.

-Jackie