The Soundtrack of my life--an end of the year entry

My friend Angela posed a good question on her Facebook the other day: What songs would you choose for your personal soundtrack? After a lot of thinking about it here are a few of mine.

1) Dixie Chicks--Wide open spaces. I love playing this song whenever I am going through a new chapter of my life. I feel like this song is timeless.

2) Nancy Sinatra--These Boots are Made for Walkin'--(Not what you might think), instead of the song being about a cheating lover, I make it to be about people who try to walk all over me (like my last CM consultants).

3) How you Live (Point of Grace)--This is a life song for me. It's how I want to live my life.

4) If you're going through Hell (keep on going) Rodney Atkins--A song that has really helped me get through the bad times.

5) The Facts of life theme song--I love the 80's, I love 80's Cit Coms and I love this song. It really fits me especially that part that says "When the world never seems to be livin' up to your dreams, then suddenly you're findin' out the Facts of Life are all about you."

6) Love of my life (Michael W. Smith and Jim Brickman). It is one of my husband and I's songs.

7) It's so hard to say goodbye (to Yesterday)--Boyz 2 Men--This is one of the newer songs in my "Soundtrack"......this is the song I listen to when I want to remember my Grandmother...the line that sticks with me the most is "And I'll take with me the Memories...to be my sunshine after the rain."

8) Hands (Jewel)--Though it's considered a "Secular song" (though I am someone who listens to all kinds of music not just Christian), I love how it talks about helping others, being God's hands, and standing up for what's right.

9) That's what Friends are for--It's another timeless song and about true friendship.

10) Vienna (Billy Joel)--Even though I am a huge Billy Joel fan, the first time I heard this song was the first time I saw "13 going on 30"....it's a song I like to listen to when I am getting caught up in the chaos of the world.

Hope you enjoyed my list and hope you all have a Happy New Year. May 2010 be a wonderful year for all of us!

-Jackie

Christmas was delayed/a end of a 7 year Tradition.

As some of you already know, my family Christmas was delayed due to the Winter Blizzard that Hit MN, the Dakotas and Iowa especially hard (and made it's way on down all the way to Texas)! Because of the storm my sister and niece were not able to make it up and we were not able to either because the Highway leading to the road by my Mom's was covered in ice. Needless to say we have rescheduled for New Years day but my Brother (the chef) is stuck working that day. =( Major Bummer.


But that's not really the subject of today's entry. Today I wanted to talk about Christian Radio stations. Since 2002 I had been listening to one main Christian Station called KTIS. In the early years I used to look forward to listening to it on the way to work and was involved with helping the station by volunteering and contributing financially. I also enjoyed attending events like the Point of Grace Concert at Mall of America that they sponsored. But over the last 3-4 years the station has adopted more of a "corporate" format adopting the catch phrases like "Keeping your family safe on the way to work and school," introducing games like the "Family name game" that leave people out of contention if they don't have children and they play the same songs over and over again. I contacted the station a few times and even offered suggestions as to how they could change the station to minister to everyone but I was ignored on all attempts.

Last night I read a "rant" entry from my friend Dan who recently moved to Atlanta from MN (he works for Delta). He was expressing his frustrations over how the radio station in Atlanta (The Fish) has adopted the same corporate format and the same contests, mottos and songs. I same to find out through the open discussion that there was another radio station here called KLove that plays a variety of songs and doesn't have the corporate motto or catch phrases. I turned them on on the way to work this morning and my mood instantly lifted. It was at that point I decided to end my 7 year relationship with KTIS. I e-mailed them, explained why I was done and now I am on my way.

I am once again looking forward to my drives to work with my new radio station friend, KLOVE!

Take Care,
Jackie

2009 In Review

I saw this on another blog and thought I would do this also. 2009 had it's ups and downs this year but lead me to a much better frame of find and helped me better sort through it all. Here's a cliff notes version of it all.

January--Busily got files ready for an audit, helped out at a nearby soup kitchen. Found out we were getting a very nice tax refund which helped fund what was to come in the summer. =)

February--Celebrated 7 years of marriage. Became proud owners of a Wii Fit. Became a red head for awhile. =)

March--Helped out with Special Olympics. Began to took for a new apartment as we were getting very fed up with our current one. Very busy month at work. I billed 500 units (average billing is 395). Celebrated Mike's and Pretzels birthdays.

April--Found the apartment we would end up moving to during the summer. Put the deposit down. Got a Wii Fit and started using it! COMPLETED my new things challenge!

May--Very uneventful month. Mainly focused on Packing.

June--Moved into our cute new place (our 3rd floor corner apartment). Little did we know one of our friends would become our neighbor just a few months later. Auditioned for the Eaglebrook Drama team (I did get on the list but one barely gets called for it).

July--Went through a month of disputing our damage deposit charges as our former landlord made up a bunch of bogus charges. We eventually won and got our deposit and half a months rent back. Re-established an estranged friendship. Celebrated my 33rd Birthday (and the neighbors dog bit me that morning, not fun) and got to ring it in with my family and Grandmother.

August--Had a great time at our Cities Festival in the Park, dealt with some drama that is am not going to get into, our friend JP moved into our building, found out my Grandmother had stage 4 cancer, took a flight to Montana with my Siblings to spend time with her.

September--My Grandmother passed away from Cancer. Rang in the College Football Season and watched a lot of Florida Gator Games.

October--Started Volunteer Orientation at Hope Lodge, Attended Grief Support Group, Discovered Fruit Bouquets, started attending Fusion at New Hope Church attended Home Safety Training as well as getting to see Dr. Daniel Amen's conference which was awesome. Started operation caffeine reduction.

November--PAID OFF MY STUDENT LOANS, went to a Vikings game (yes, I am shocked too but I did not root for them), lost my 1st 10 pounds, My husband and I had our own Thanksgiving, attended a Scrapbooking Retreat wknd (Which did not end well), got a replacement TV for Free!

December--Fought bronchitis, played Santa and delivered the Hennepin County gift program items, saw a Christmas Story at the Mounds Theater..the rest is still unwritten.....

-Jackie

Feelings of Inadequacy...

Lately I have been thinking about 2008 and 2009. At the end of 2008 I was just ready for the year to be over (like many people I knew). I have not felt the same way in 2009 though looking back this year has had it's share of struggles (my husband not being able to find steady work, the drama we had at our last apartment the first half of the year and of course losing my Grandmother to Cancer). When I look back on both years I found myself thinking "Why is it so painful to look back on 2008 when 2009 had it's fair share of struggles?"

After hearing a Message at our Church (Eaglebrook), I figured it out. In 2008 I shut down and surrendered to feelings of inadequacy......I threw myself into Caretaking for others and shut myself off from the world, even in the areas I was doing well in (an example of this is work). In 2008 I played the internal tapes in my head of "you are not a good person, that's why you don't have a lot of friends", "your husband is struggling because you have not done enough to be a good wife.", "your co-workers do not like you and that's why they wrote some negative comments on your 6 month review." After a year of this all I wanted to do was hide under the covers and isolate. I would look at other people's lives, decide they were perfect (when there is no such thing) and continue the negative self talk. Not healthy at all.....

This year I have really learned a lot about getting through tough times and taking care of myself. I have learned how to better nurture the friendships I have that are working and to get rid of the unhealthy ones. My marriage has improved as well as our level of communication with each other. It was heartbreaking but one thing she taught me was to seize the day and don't take the relationships in my life for Granted. Because of this I have been more open to forgiving people and sorting through hurts instead of just stuffing them down inside. While I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy I take the time to figure out where these feelings are coming from and whether or not the issue is something I need to change or just an area in life where I need to refocus my thoughts on the positive things. Are these things in life I don't have that I still want? Of Course, but I also need to give myself credit for the things I have accomplished in my life or this year for example (finishing a year long new things challenge, starting to Volunteer at Hope Lodge, drastically reducing my caffeine intake).

What will 2010 bring? I have no idea. Would I love it to have less drama in it? Of Course. But I also want it to be a year where I can continue to enjoy the little things, to take a few chances and to be able to not compare myself to others/beat myself up. My theme song is the song "How you live" by Point of Grace. I think the Chorus of the song best sums up what I want for my life.

Turn up the music, turn it up loud
Take a few chances, let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it, looking back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew, and it's not what you did it's
how you live.

-Jackie

Wordless Wednesday

Would you like it if the Tables were turned?

I have been sick this week. With being sick has come more time rest on the couch and watch TV. What I have been seeing lately has disgusted me; a lot of coverage of Tiger Woods and the "mistresses in his life". Seriously? My personal favorite is when they go to these launch parties for toys, clothes, etc and ask former teen stars (like Joey Lawrence and Melissa Joan Hart) their throughts on Tiger Woods. It saddens me to see that in the middle of the Christmas Season where many of our soldiers are away from home, during a time where we should be focusing on giving to others and good will towards men, that people are glued to their TV's watching Tiger Woods fall off the pedistal many of the same people put him up on.

Do you know what I would love to see? I would love to see camera come into the homes of these TV Correspondants (like Mary Hart and Nancy O'Dell) and have them air THEIR dirty laundry and TV to see how they like it. While I do agree that public access comes with being a celebrity and that morals are important, I also believe that those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. How many people do we really have to see interviewed for their thoughts on Michael Phelps, Tiger Woods, Jon and Kate or any other figures in the spotlight?

On Wednesday I was really looking forward to hearing stories about the winner of the Biggest Loser and the Highlights of the finale the night before, like each season prior. Nope, a whole 30 minutes devoted to Tiger Woods and how insiders in Sweden saw this coming......it's days when I am sick on the couch I am glad I can flip the channel to Wheel of Fortune or Let's Make a Deal...shows that don't involve celebrity scandal.

That's just my pet peeve.....how about instead of focusing on celebrity scandals we can focus on making the world a better place?

-Jackie

What a wknd

Hope you all are having a great wknd! Unfortunately mine has not gone as planned. I was supposed to go down to Iowa for my niece's 2nd birthday today but at work on Friday I ended up having 4 asthma attacks along with chest pains. I needed to take last night and today off to recover. I really wanted to see the little Tyke turn 2 but unfortunately I will have to wait until Christmas to see her! My husband, puppy and I ended up snuggling on the couch where we watched UP (which was kind of depressing) and Star Trek. I am not a Star Trek fan but I LOVED the movie. I am going to add it to my DVD collection.

Another thing I love is the site I love free things. If you are on Facebook you can find a page there which list the free deals and samples along with the link to sign up for them. If not you can go directly to their website. I have gotten a lot of cool things from them including boy shorts, food free samples and coupons for free items! I just love that site!

I am kind of floating through the Holiday season. I was glad to hear we are not having a Christmas out to Eat Party at work like we have done in past years. Instead we are having a Potluck. That is just fine by me because besides putting my time in to help others (through the Salvation Army and Hope Lodge), I want this Christmas to be as low key as possible. We have not put up any Christmas Decorations or lights and besides the work potluck the only Holiday Party I am attending is at Hope Lodge. I might be going to a Chris Tomlin Concert but that is because my friend is looking for someone to use the extra ticket she has. So we'll see.

Hope you have a great week!

-Jackie

Wordless Wednesday

Where has the time gone?

Hello,
It's been quite awhile since I last posted, where did the time go? Things are going okay here, just been really busy with work. Some months its really quiet to the point it is boring. Other times I wish the phone would stop ringing because everyone seems to be going into crisis at the same time.

Hope you all had a Good Thanksgiving (I know those of you in Canada Celebrate Thanksgiving before we do). Since I worked at Hope Lodge during the day; it was just Mike, Pretzel, our friend JP and I. (There are some photos to the right and above) It was almost better that way this year. With it being so soon after my Grandmother passed, I am more floating through the holiday season more than anything. I am very glad due to budget issues, we are having a Potluck instead of a restaurant Christmas party. Most of the Christmas events I am participating in this year will be pretty low key.

On Friday I left for a scrapbooking retreat. I wish I could say it went well but besides getting pages done in my Memory album for my Grandma and being about to be out in the woods for awhile, it was awful! I ended up having to leave early because of the lack of sleep I got and because I kept trying to fight off a migraine. The people who were there were either related or already knew each other so I tried my best to get to know others. When I got home the male half of the team hosting this had unfriended me from Facebook. Facebook has it's Glitches so I thought it was a mistake and sent him a friends request as well as some others there. They all were ignored. Then this morning I get a nasty Facebook message from the Female half of the CM team stating that she is unfriending me because she did not appreciate my attitude, I should not have left early and I accused her of rigging the drawing. Whatever. She kept drawing her relatives names and I made a joke (that others had done before this) asking "are you sure my name is in there." But either way, I am glad I went to get work done on the album though I want no more contact with these people. I believe in being direct with others when there is an issue going on and if I need supplies I can always buy/order elsewhere. I would rather have people ask me what I meant than make assumptions.

Onto a MUCH MORE positive note...

A couple of weeks ago I went up to see my Mom on the way to visit some clients. I was able to pick up some dolls and things my Grandmother had made me. I was also about to pick up the Afghan my Grandmother was working on for my husband at the time of her passing. It's nice to have these items in my home as they a nice reminder of my Grandmother and things that warm my heart.

















Have a good week!
-Jackie

Something Different

I love to read. It's one of my Favorite hobbies. Last year alone I read 58 books. I used to love it when we lived close to the library....I would hop on my bike with my backpack, get a ton of paperbacks (16-20) and then whip through them all within a week or two. This year has been no exception. On Facebook I keep a list of books I have read along and a small blurb on my thoughts about each one. I decided it would be fun to highlight one-two books every week or two. Since I didn't partake in any Halloween activities this year and instead whipped through books when I was not volunteering at the Hope Lodge, Here are the two books I would like to talk about.

I'll start with the one I loved first. Ever since I heard that Patrick Swayze had written an autobiography during his battle with Cancer I knew I wanted to get it. Well, the library had it for me on Friday and I started to read. I have to say that this book is a must read. If you think the whole book is about his fight with cancer, you would be mistaken. I loved reading about his Childhood, how he met his wife Lisa, their struggles with having enough money for food and rent as they went through dance schools and companies, the ongoing knee injury he faced, family tragedies and what he learned from them and so much more. I found myself not being able to put this book down. I like the fact that he did not come off as someone who was too big for their britches nor as someone who made excuses for every single mistake they ever made (e.g. Valerie Bertenelli and her autobiography). I found myself relating to struggles he faced with things such as identity, the loss of a family member and most of all the heartbreak he and his wife faced as they battled infertility. I highly recommend this book!




As for the second book I read (Smart Women by Judy Blume) I cannot say the same thing. What I can say about this book is that it reminded me a lot of an episode of Desperate Housewives (from what I have heard). The story revolves around three 40 something divorced women and their families. It was more a story of bed hopping and these women worrying so much about their own "happiness and satisfaction" that they seem to forget about their children. When I was growing up I enjoyed Judy Blume's books. In 1999 I read her book Summer Sisters (which overall I liked but hated the ending). I was hoping for a lot more form this author and I was sorely dissapointed. I stopped reading the book with 2 chapters left (it was 352 pages of bed hopping and selfishness). I will not be pursuing any more books from this author, that's for sure!

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed my post. Have a good week!

-Jackie

Change your Diet, Change your life

Wow! It's been almost 2 weeks already and I cannot believe the change that has come about. One small change I decided to make in my life snowballed into other health changes. I went into all of this with one goal--caffeine reduction/elimination. I have come out of it with so much more. When I go to the Grocery store I now want to eat healthy. An example of this is today, I went to the store and saw cupcakes on sale. Normally I would have scooped them right but instead I bought the Special K Chocolate Delight cereal. I have turned down sweets at two different events and I have started taking my vitmamins again!

My only issue right now with vitamins is being able to take them all at once (to stomach them), I absolutely cannot each them in the morning without getting sick. I have to wait before bed to take them. I am now taking Calcium+Vitamin D, a Multivitamin, Fish Oil and Green Tea tabs. I think it has really helped with my mood and I have so far lost 4 pounds (I am not in it to lose weight but if it happens I will not complain.)

I have more energy to do things and take far less naps than I used to. Last night I went out with a friend to a 20-30 somethings group and I would have never done that on a Sunday when I had to work the next day. It's amazing the changes that take place when you change one thing in your life you did not think that you could.

-Jackie

One week, bubble baths and change of seasons

1. Tomorrow will mark one week since I started my caffeine reduction. There have been good and bad things about it. The Good things have been: increased energy (after the first couple of days), the desire to be healthier in my eating along with what I drink, sleeping through the night instead of taking naps and a having the weight loss/body fat reduction I am already experiencing as a result. Some of the bad things have been: some nausea (which came heavily on Monday morning), headaches every night for the first few days (so much so I had to miss Grief Support on Monday night and got , my coming to love the snooze button in the morning. But I am very committed to doing this and am going to keep on going. It will be worth it not to have an addiction so strong to something that does so much harm to my body!
2. Bubble Baths--I am becoming increasingly addicted to them! I have been taking them in the evenings when I am feeling queasy or after working out. I love how they are an inexpensive way to pamper myself!
   

• One of my co-workers talks about how her clients have had increases in hospitalizations, episodes or just increased moodiness when the seasons have changed. I have really noticed it this week, the phone has been ringing off the hook from providers, clients and hospital with fires (not literal fires but issues) that I have to deal with. I am hoping things will slow down in the coming weeks--if not I have a five day wknd coming the weekend of Thanksgiving!
• 

I hope you all have a good wknd. The forecasters here think this will be one of the last weekends for Fall Colors so I plan on enjoying them. The picture to the left is from a walk I took at our Nature Center last weekend. I really enjoy spending time there!

Take Care,
Jackie

Kicking the Habit

I have decided to get rid of my Caffeine habit. I tried this before but for the wrong reasons (I had a doctor who would not perscribe me migraine meds and instead told me to kick caffeine. I eventually got another doctor.) But I have decided I want to get rid of this part of my life. Lately I have been up to 5 pops a day (normally Mountain Dews). I do not like having to depend on Pop for energy boosts. I do not like having the crash that comes when the caffeine boost is gone. I do not want to put myself at risk diabetes or chest pains.

Today was day one of my caffeine elimination. I will not go cold Turkey (and have been advised not to by many websites and others who have done this). I had struggles that I have read are normal. While I slept like a baby last night, I had a great deal of trouble concentrating today, was irritable and tonight while waiting for my husband to get out of a taste test, I had a huge drop in my blood sugar and felt weak and dizzy. After we had supper I felt like my old self again and we enjoyed a walk around Mall of America. I want to get out and enjoy life more and not worry if a venue is serving caffeine. I want to get up and go without having to rely on the Mountain Dew pick me up. It won't be easy and will be gradual but I am ready and willing to do it.

I will keep you all posted in the coming weeks on my progress.

-Jackie

Movies, Fwinter and Life

Hi All!

Hope you all had a good weekend! I was excited to go to the movies this wknd. A friend of mine and I saw Julie and Julia. If you have not seen it, I highly recommend it! I want to buy this when it comes out on DVD. It was the highlight of my weekend.

This weekend we Minnesotans welcomed the beginning of FWINTER (fall and Winter). The last time we had winter this early was 20 years ago! I am actually enjoying it but am not liking the fact that come Saturday we will be back up in the 70's again. If the snow is going to come early, I wish it would stick around for awhile.

I hit a personal milestone today---I ran two miles today on Wii Fit for a total of 10 minutes! This is huge for me because I have never been able to run (between my joints and my asthma). I am looking forward to doing this program on Wii fit more often.

Other than all of this--I am doing a bit better but still have my really hard days (yesterday was a real stinker of a day for example). This weekend I am starting my volunteering at the American Cancer Society's Hope Lodge (It's like a Ronald McDonald House for Adult Cancer Patients and their caregivers who like at least 40 miles away. I will be volunteering for 8 hours a month and am looking forward to this. Right now I am just pushing through day by days--it's the best I can do!

Take Care,
Jackie

Grief and Hope Lodge and Twins...Oh my!

I did a wordless Wednesday post previously but I decided that I can't leave today wordless...there is a lot going on right now and I would rather be vocal about it.


On Monday I attended my first Grief and loss Support Group meeting. I had my hesitations about it (one of them being that I am the Youngest Member there) but I am really glad I went and will continue to go to the meetings twice a month. What a lot of people don't realize is my Grandmother lived with my family for many years (from when I was 9 until a little bit after my 16th birthday) and in many ways she was like another parent for me (and my siblings). As I watched the first DVD session I felt myself nodding along with a lot of what they were saying on about what comes along with the Grieving process. Some of the things that impacted me the hardest was when they talked about how you can be fine one day or for a few days and have grief hit you like a big wave. (This has happened to me quite a few times). Another thing they advised was not to make any big decisions right now if you don't have to. This is something I needed to hear because with all of this I have wanted to run away from a lot of things that were familiar to me and start fresh as I am trying to figure out who I am after this loss. It was also nice to be around people with similar experiences who understood what I am going through.

Another big thing for me this week was going through Orientation today at the Minneapolis Hope Lodge. This is a lot like the Ronald McDonald house but for patients and their caregiver over the age of 18. It is nestled right on the U of M campus and people who stay there live at least 50 miles away from where they are getting treatment and do not have to pay anything. They have 9 paid staff and the rest (about 200) are volunteers. I am going to be putting in 8 hours a month and am really excited about it. I can sign up via the internet and have signed up through the beginning of January! I was pleasantly surprised to see Christmas Eve and Christmas day having all their volunteer slots filled. Some days I will help out for 2 hours or so after work and some days I am just filling in for 4 hours on a Saturday or Sunday morning.


I am very happy to see the MN Twins in the Playoffs! I was supposed to go to a Game this year but was in Montana during this time so a friend and her boyfriend got to see them. I am really hoping they can sweep this series and make it to the World Series!

We're gonna Win Twins
We're gonna score
We're gonna win Twins
Watch that Baseball Soar!
Knock out a Home Run
Shout out Hip Hooray!
Cheer for the MN Twins Today!
Have a good rest of the week!

-Jackie

Welcome October!

There is a song from Greenday where the lyrics go "Wake my up, when September end." Until recently I would think to myself they really need to choose another month because I love September! Sadly, September of 2009 was not one of those Septembers. Looking back I found myself in Auto Pilot for much of the month. I remember my breakdowns and I remember family Moments before my Grandmother passed and afterwards, but regular day to day moments are a big blur. I was looking at my billing for work today and was surprised to see how much work I put in even though I was done for a week and a half. I found myself thinking "When did I get all this work done?" Then I realized that it was all done in autopilot.

I am a Social Worker. In school I learned all about the grieving process. There were even 2 questions about it on my licensing exam. But this is the first time in my adult life where the death of a loved one has slapped me in the face the way it has. I find myself somewhat estranged from many of my co-workers, a few that I used to feel close to I no longer feel that way anymore. I like to go in early or work from home more and more these days so I do not have to be in the office. Granted, I have no issues going out and seeing my clients; it's just the day to day interactions with my co-workers and boss that seem to shake me up. I already feel uneasy as it is with a lot of them because the after work activities consist of going out and drinking. I do drink from time to time but the bar is not my scene. Sometimes the situation with my co-workers makes me feel like I am back in High School. I am hoping this will go away with time.

Next week I am going to my Mother's house where she will have my horse quilt and dolls my Grandmother made for me when I was a child as well as the poodle skirt she made for my Halloween Costume. In sixth grade I played a munchkin in the school play and she made my costume, complete with the munchkin shoes. I am hoping to get a Hope Chest for Christmas where I can store these items that are so close to my heart along with other cherished items like the jewelery I wore on my wedding day, my veil and other things.

I am trying not to get angry at myself for having moments of sadness, discontent and anger that are more easily triggered. Some examples of this would be watching the Wonder Years (on You Tube) and bawling my eyes out when there is a scene where a character close to Kevin passes away. A friend of mine (who has never experienced infertility) posted a blog from someone who experienced it but then adopted and had a successful story. I became angry with my friend and almost said something because not only has she not experienced this first hand, but I feel she also discredits that adoption is not for every couple. Yesterday at work I had to deal with a crisis situation after getting a call from a client who was involved in a family dispute. After a call to the police and adult protection I was so shaken the only thing I could do was go home and finish my case notes there,


I am looking forward to the baby steps coming up (including going to the support group next week) of getting back into the social swing of things. I am trying to go slow right now as to not overwhelm myself. This wknd I am going to my first scrapbooking crop since February where the women are NOT mommies and I do not have to deal with the Mommy and Me talk. Next Wednesday I am going to my volunteer orientation at Hope lodge which is a facility (of many locations one being in Minneapolis) where cancer patients and their families can stay in private suites while also provide a wide variety of cancer programs and services that provide information, resources and support to ease the cancer journey. Next weekend my friend Sara and I are also going to the Apple Orchard so that should be fun. Yesterday I bought my first batch of Honey crisps and have been eating them with Carmel dip. Tasty!


Have a good week everyone. Thank you for all the support.

-Jackie

Anybody here?

I am back. I have not found the desire to blog like I used to. I keep having to remind myself that it has only been 2 weeks since my Grandmothers passing. I am doing better but still have my difficult days, like today when it was difficult to even get out of bed and out of my PJ's. Since I went to Church last night I ended up lounging on the Couch and Watching State Fair and Top Gun. I also found myself bawling my eyes out in Top Gun when his Wing Man died. I have never cried during that part before and I have been the movie a million times (my family and I saw in 5 times when it first came out in the theatre. My Grandmother loved the movie so much she got it as part of her paid subscription to Sports Illustrated). It's difficult because my world has been shaken so hard and I do not know what is normal for me anymore. A lot of things that were important to me are no longer important.

I had joined an Alpha Group this fall but have decided not to continue in it. It is hard for me to sit in a group where they talk about how God cured them or their illnesses and injuries while my Grandma did not have the same story. Also one member of the group keeps talking about how their is a miracle from God every time a baby is born. I have to bite my tongue and keep from saying "Not all of us get blessed with this miracle." This study is not out of the Church we currently attend but one we attended for 4 years then ended up leaving because they only seemed to care about women with Children. Needless to say, I am "dropping out" of Alpha and have decided to attend a Grief support Group instead. I really need to be around people who are going through what I am and don't expect me to brush things off and move on with my life like I don't miss my Grandmother.

I guess this post kind of turned into a rant...for those of you who have read up until this point, thanks for listening.

-Jackie

My thoughts and Feelings in a Unique way

Today..

Outside my window…is a full parking lot. The Garages have all been taken down to make room for underground parking...which is leaving a temporary hassle in our Parking lot.

I am thinking…I miss my Grandma and wonder when I will start to feel like myself again

I am thankful for…the years I had with my Grandmother and the support I have received during this difficult time.

From the kitchen…Dirty Dishes

I am wearing…pajamas

I am creating…this blog entry .

I am going…to watch the last episode of Guiding Light tomorrow. I will miss that show! (See cast Photo on the top of this entry.

I am reading…"Jennifer Johnson is tired of being Single..." (Only because I heard the Author on Twin Cities Live talking about it and I am still on the waiting list for LA Candy.

I am hoping…that my rude and disrespectful client does not call me tomorrow. I am about ready to tell her if I am doing that terrible of a job please call my boss and asked to be re-assigned a case manager. (Stepping off my soapbox now)

I am hearing…The fan

Around the house…the pleasing sight of the Orchid plant my co-workers/boss bought me after my Grandmother passed away

One of my favorite things…Sleep

A few plans for the rest of the week…work from home tomorrow =), a Luau party on Saturday afternoon followed by a Rememberance Dinner for my Grandmother....(she was cremated per her wishes and we will have the funeral in the Spring...just the way she wanted it. She will be buried next to my Grandfather...who I love to brag about. He was a WWI Airforce Pilot and Flew on the Memphis Belle)

It's so hard....to say Goodbye...to yesterday....

I got the call I have been dreading for the last month this morning.....my Grandmother passed away from Cancer today. She was 85 years old. For those of you who don't know my Grandmother was one of the closest people in my life. She lived with my family for a number of years and was always one of my biggest supporters. I get some of my craftiness from her as she made dolls, afghans, clothes, many things including the angel that sat on top of our family's Christmas tree. She was a wonderful cook and one of my favorite things she would make was her doughnuts from scratch. She loved animals (especially dogs). She always encouraged me to go out and pursue the things I wanted in life. I love her dearly and will miss her. I am proud to be her Granddaughter. Rest in Peace, dear Grandmother.

-Jackie

Wordless Wednesday